Hey Adrian,
<3
i really don't care if no one understands. i blocked everyone cuz i wanted to get work done not cuz i have anything against anyone. that's all there is to it. it's not permanent, there are just way too many deadlines to deal with. and i do unblock people when i have work to do with them. everyone should just stop making a mountain outta a molehill. don't we have enough drama in our lives?
i'm not gonna give a fuck if you seriously can't put yourself in my shoes and understand. i can't put myself on appear offline mode because i have friends overseas who can't waste money sending me long distance text messages or make long distance phonecalls just to talk to me. why am i even explaining when no one understands?
moving on to more important things. Mr Bev. Hills i know you're too fucking lazy to get yourself a livejournal, so i'm doing it here!
Happy 21st birthday Mr E.C.!
i wish you weren't there and here instead, its been two years since we celebrated your birthday together. miss you tons hun!
back to reality
Complete.
No one can take that away.
One year's passed. We're making good progress Green.
when the sun rises again,
i will be there with you my friend.
and i will be there,
looking over your shoulder.
looking out, yes i'm looking for you
do you miss me, the way i miss you
and i will be there,
looking over your shoulder
i wish you, would miss me, the way that i miss you
still my favourite song of all time.
Jon Chan is still my hero.
Plain Sunset still rules.
"who are we? to interfere with you, interfere with me."
baybeats. i found myself all over again.
goodbye masqueradeinfalsecircumstance.
we live in a world where "he said she said" situations can't be avoided. it's just a pity that majority of the time when such situations occur, instead of finding out straight from the horse's mouth, we go to several different sources to find out the "truth".
lies and deception. the devil reigns on these grounds.
goodbye bs.
if you see this girl working at borders tell her i love her and miss her. <3
see you thursday sugar! xoxo
Poptart was a smash! My birthday was a smash!
thank you guys for making it fan-fucking-tastic. you guys know who you are. i think these people deserve their names mentioned considering they came down especially for my birthday. Ash, Eva, Tony, Jasmine, Suzie, Ave and Lina. I love you guys!
there's no denying you completed today. to many more years and no more breakups.
if there's one thing i learnt today, it's that it doesn't matter if they forgot, what matters is you guys did. thank you to the many that made the effort to wish me happy birthday, thanks for the dinner last night, thanks for the dinner tonight, thanks for the many presents and the many hugs and kisses. to the two love birds who're flying over to europe right now, i will miss the two of you. thank you for today.
i love you yasi for hacking into my msn account and leaving me a happy birthday message, i miss you sweetie and i promise i'll be a good girl, no more partying till september.
jon herrera just made my day! 19's getting sweeter by the minute.
escape artists never die
i sat there surrounded by grumpy old men complaining about the meedja. they drilled me with questions and warned me of what i'd become once i enter the real word. such cynics you've all become. does travelling do that to everyone?
i turn 19 in a couple of hours and the truth is i really wanted to spend tonight with him, but he fled two nights ago. indo doesn't deserve you right now, i do. escapism at it's best. i guess you learnt it from me huh?
it's been a long week, i think i deserve a good night.
sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, even if it means stepping on a few toes or pushing yourself to the limit. hard work always pays off, no matter what. i'm sorry i broke down, i'm sorry i'm pushing you away. just give me time.
ever looked at yourself in the mirror and not recognize the person you're looking at?
if you lie to yourself for the longest time, the lies start to feel like the truth. then when reality hits you, it hurts a whole lot more. you break down, you contemplate suicide.
i'm a mess of emotions. Less than Jake on repeat. i want a new purrpy too.
long distance phone calls remind me, it'll all be over soon. i love LA people.
i am so sick of being nice to people when all they do is take advantage of it. one day a revolution will take over, just you wait. things are gonna change and if you don't catch up, then your demise is your own dam fault. period.
the fault, dear brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.
It's a sad and pathetic sight when you see someone who claims he or she is a mature young adult go as low as that.
Talk about no backbone man and you claim you're a young mature adult. bite me.
I hate feeling this way. You're so buzzed from the all the alcohol it's impossible to sleep. I desperately need sleep. I don't know how the boys do it, they're still up playing poker.
urghh, dam you weird dreams dam you!
You got what it takes to make me leave my man.
Let's fucking get this straight ok? I didn't go around telling the whole fucking world about the fucking incident and I sure as hell didn't fucking tell people you liked me because that's just fucking bullshit.
Seriously kid, this is so fucking high school.
I told a few of the people I trusted about the issue and fuck by a few I mean less than 10. I have a clear idea who might've spilled the beans to the rest of the world but I know it's only cuz she was equally pissed off when she heard about the situation. I told them because I felt a line had been crossed and I did tell individuals it's my partially fault as well because of the way I am around individuals I'm close too. But get this straight, I never fucking told anyone you liked me. That's just fucking bullshit.
How'd I find out? You told someone who already knew what really happened and that person told me what you said. Arghh this is so fucking high school!
What version of the issue you know of right now is so fucking far from the truth, you can ask Fiz what i told him and the few others. He was the first person I talked to and Kamil, Nad and Caleb know it to. I had my fucking reasons for talking to them about it. I did feel something and I'm not fucking making it up. Ask Kamil, she'll tell you why.
ah fuck this shit.
The heart has reasons that reason cannot know. -Blaise Pascal
Truth be told, I wish I knew these reasons.
We're now six months into the year. Ten weeks from now we'll be half done with school. One year and twenty six days from now I'll be 20 years old.
I was talking to Farand just now. He asked me if I was enjoying this semester. I generally base this on how happy I am, which I usually base on how much I've laughed. Sad to say I haven't laughed half as much as I did in year 1.
I'm just waiting for something real to happen because the past six months all I've been surrounded with is all things fake. The only thing that 2006 has blessed me with are new found friendships and a plethora of opportunities that I have been more than willing to lap up. I realized most of the time, the best opportunities are given to you when you approach a daunting task without thinking about the consequences.
With that I'm about to venture into something I'm crazy for doing. Farand, july 2!
Josie Posie Pudding and Pie <3
still my soulmate after so many years.
you learn the most things from your best friend really and today while i almost died at home thanks to the overwhelming pain i thought everything through. it doesn't matter if a few individuals have sold out to popularity, what matters are the individuals who stick by your side. i don't care if i no longer recognize you guys, because somehow this friendship we have goes through this cycle. i'd thought about what happened a few months back, the same shit is happening now. the only difference is, this time around, i can't even really "talk" to you guys anymore.
this time around i will accept change. i will sway with it, then walk away. it's ok, i'll live through it. i'll miss the times, but the memories will live.
goodbye to you
what if i tell you i don't know who you are anymore?
this is seriously not how i envisioned my week would start. after successfully convincing looners to go catch sherrinova with me, chronic vomiting occurs causing me to miss the gig. sprawled out on the bathroom floor in my favourite dress vomiting my guts out. (no i'm not pregnant you dimwit.) i seriously wanted to catch sherrinova! (jere i hope you have it down on video or something!)
i'm missing yet another monday because of this. food poisoning has never hurt so bad really. it's best to stay home anyway, i'd rather not pull a "K" in school. heh.
i want pharrell williams for my birthday.
my need to believe that there are actually decent individuals on this earth has lead to this. people never realize i'm an observer. they go about doing the usual things, and just when they think i'm not looking, i spot it. little actions speak volumes. just that one silly action and i see right through you and your silly facade.
its really not the friends thing that bothers me. like i said several posts back. nothing lasts forever. the only thing i would like to change about that paragraph is that it's not six inidviduals, it's three. i realized you can know someone for awhile, be brutally honest with them and vice versa but yet never really know the person. i was surrounded by really good actors and pretty soon they'll be stacked dead actors.
line up the bastards all i want is the truth
now i'm really starting to wonder who the actors are. these walls rise again, sheilding me from all of you. i haven't been this angry in awhile. the last time i remember i was this angry, was during art tap last year. when neek and i went to catch west grand and they were doing a cover of best of you. and i looked around and saw actors from last summer. it never changes. you go from group to group, each group of actors doing it a million times better than the last. and you wonder why we bother to trust anyone?
a dozen reasons in this gun
when you're working really hard, and people poke fun at your hard work, and you're not really all that confident about all you've been doing. it gets to you in more ways than one.
i would've loved ditching all my work, just to spend time with you guys. But that comment made it seem like i was an idiot for wanting to deal with my responsibilities. like i'm some fucking party pooper because i was ditching you guys because of work. apparently, work's not the popular thing. it's even overated.
you won't know what its like really. unless you're striving for way more than you've ever thought you were capable of. how scary it is that people put these expectations on you after seeing you perform once, and how you have to live up to these expectations because these people believe in you. you're proud of yourself yet so scared because you've never stepped up to the plate before. how foreign it all is, yet exhilarating, yet scary. that's why that comment affected me. unlike most parents, what i've achieved thus far isn't enough for them. i have to do way more just to make my parents happy. i cried when i got home because i thought i was making a mistake for wanting to deal with this because normally when faced with such situations i run away. then i got pissed, then this whole crazy mix of emotions overwhelmed me. and like all times when no one else understood, farand did.
you can call it being overly-sensitive. i call it putting my heart and soul into the things i do. what most people don't realize is, i'm finally doing what i've been yearning to do since semester 1. and yes you can call me an idiot, but i'm scared. who isn't when faced with things they've never faced before.
i thought things through, and here i am apologising to you. i'm sorry.
don't make me feel guilty for wanting more. for taking on more responsibilities. it wouldn't have made a difference if i was or wasn't there anyway, but what you said totally just pissed me off. sometimes the right thing doesn't always mean the popular thing. it doesn't matter if no one else understands really.
thank god for pido.
i'll be the girl that commits social suicide and you'll be the leading man of my life.
demolition lovers on repeat just like old times.
brings back memories really. joel, haikal, nicky, timo, imran and victor. whatever happened to the 6 proud SJI boys i used to talk to all the time. the ones' that fueled my passion for punk rock and emocore. the ones' who wanted to make it big in the industry. from fishstick to cadence avasion.
i can't believe it's been three years. i miss talking to Lyz. whatever happened to S.I.P?
promises to meet up never fulfilled. now 5/6 are in the army. did i ever tell you guys, you made high school surreal?
i have but memories.
A new environment is never easy to cope with really, but if one chooses to live in the past and show no interest in fully letting yourself enjoy the present, you're bound to sit and complain the rest of the fucking year really. And if one doesn't notice the effort others try to put in to making one feel at home, then there's really no point in us even trying.
wake up and smell the fresh coffee, this what life is really all about.
There is no despair so absoute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed,to have despaired and have recovered hope.-George Elliot This speaks volumes to me right now, with all that's been happening. But I shall leave it at that and explain no further. Last night as I walked back and forth the crowded streets, thanks to my wonderful pick up who could not make up his mind, I thought things through. I am thankful I had that brief portion of time to myself because I realized that's all I've really wanted/needed all week. All I needed was alone time to properly deal with things. I really don't mind that you are the way that you are. I don't mind that you're overly jealous, infact I appreciate that, unlike the past, you actually care so much. For the first time, things are actually clearer. The direction you want this relationship to go with, the way you really feel. You make a fuss about certain things for that very reason. I wouldn't have realized the latter if it wasn't for the fact that I was smashed last night when you did what you always do. It really doesn't matter if no one else gets it, because they probably already think what we have is really messed up. This whole on and off, up and down rollercoaster. With it's endless tracks, each loop larger than the other. How hard it is for us to successfully complete one only to be faced with yet another when we least expect it. Sacrifice, Trust, Hope. Baby you can drive my car.
it's fun reading through my old posts. if i was a complete stranger reading my blog, i'd probably think i was either a depressed fuck, a bitch who has a problem with being chinese, a shoppaholic, someone who lets other's opinions affect her, someone who analyzes the past too much, someone who cannot go cold turkey on a certain ex boyfriend or someone that turns into a workaholic to avoid solving her problems.
how about that, if i was a complete stranger reading my blog, i'd probably think i was a complete psycho. lol. i would like to highlight, i'm only the above on certain days. i swear! i'm really a nice fun loving person who gets high on caramel frapuccino and many other things like a dope pair of shoes or nice clothes or cute boys or a good read(be it a book or a magazine) or awesome music. give me good food and good company(individuals that can engage me in intellectually stimulating conversations are awesome), that's how easy it is to satisfy me. if you throw in Edison Chen to that lovely mix, it'll be totally orgasmic. and no it's not because he's a total hottie, that of course i won't deny(he makes looking like an alien hot), but because he's a really interesting person and i love what he's doing with his clothing label, CLOT. I respect the guy for alot of things really, and really i don't regret standing up for him at the aiya forum(last post). why am i even a member of the aiya forum? don't ask, i was bored at the beginning of the holidays and i was watching way too much mtv whatever things so i joined in on the fun. haven't gone back there in awhile really.
ok this is really starting to sound more like a "why i think Edison Chen is orgasmic post". when really all i wanted to say was, don't judge me just by reading my blog. i admit, i have at some point read another's blog and judged them solely for their arrogant/depressing posts. and i apologize for that now after a recent incident which basically triggered this post. there's really more to me than what you read here on masquerade in false circumstance. the same goes for those who read my livejournal. Telling me i've changed for the worst just from reading my older posts is really pushing it. People who've known me for years know that i've changed for the better. I've learnt from my mistakes and have grown alot wiser from these experiences. I really don't care about what you think of me, this post is really to clear up any misconceptions others have of me. You'll probably argue that this post fits into the "she lets others' opinions affect her" catergory, but really your opinions of me haven't at all affected me. It did trigger this post, but that's really not something i'd define as "affecting me." After all i stopped caring about what you thought about me when i dumped you for lunnie.
so there, i've said my piece and i hope others learn from this mini experience too. it's late, i'm tired and all i really wanna do is lie in bed and read through what Edison Chen, Ricky Kim and Jeff Staple have on their blogs today. its kinda like my bed time ritual, these three inspire me really. they sorta embody what i strive for. hard work mixed with passion for what you do can only bring you good.
good night lovers!
Yesterday was a pretty special day. It was not only Good Friday, it was Mom's Birthday too. Another year older, and like each year on her birthday, I cry in bed at night while I pray because I'm thankful she's still her.
You know how other kids take their parents forgranted? I've always wondered why they did. Like no matter how much I complain about the rents, it's really just me being a bratty little kid, but not once have I ever taken them forgranted.
Its been over two weeks since my maternal grandmother arrived for her month long visit, and I've learnt alot of things. Like how awesome my parents are. And i realized, you'd think after 13 years of Mom being ill, it'd be a little easier to let her go if it was time. The truth is, it only gets harder. Because I don't wanna lose her. I want her to be there when i finish college, and i want her to be there when i get married, and when i have my first kid, I want her to be there when i conquer it all. And maybe that's asking too much, but that's all i really want. More than anything else. Just for her to be there.
Sometimes i feel really bad for asking this much from God, because I've been a horrible child. Like it was Good Friday yesterday, and I didn't go for mass. And the truth is, I haven't been to church in really long. Poo couldn't have described it any better really. One of the reasons why i stopped going to church was because it just felt like we were going there to show off. And I think that's why Suzie left and i guess that's why the original crew; Louis, Mitch, Archie, Josh, Alex, Me, Josephine, Xavier, Lyn, Kathleen, Steph, Suzie and the others, stopped hanging out, because we all had different views of what going to church was all about. Church felt more like high school, and all i want really, is to put that behind me and go back. Even if it means i go alone and ignore them. Sometimes I envy how close Joachim and Kenneth Low are to God and how bad a catholic i look beside them.
But it is true, regardless of how "often" i attend mass and how "often" i pray, I love my religion and I love God and communion really is a magical thing.
Arghh, ok seriously been thinking too much. I need a break from all of this. School please start already.
This spiderweb that connects me to you, it tires me so. I'm left with no energy to conquer anything else, I walk around like a lost soul. Sometimes I wish I were part of the Beat Generation. I'd sit and write about the complexities of life, with drugs and booze to surge this passion, this need. It'd be easier to live life like the Beatniks did, than having to run with these emotions without the help of booze and drugs.
Maybe it'd be easier to erase you from the pages of my life. Like I've done with everyone else who's hurt, used and abused me. Only to have them emerge when I repeat a mistake and serve as lessons learnt.
Ah, the tangled mess in my head. which should disappear, right about, now..
Picture perfect faces don't mean perfect lives.
Which sounds worse; single at 37? or married and hating life at 37?
I love days like today. Days when thoughts of the previous day make you smile cuz you know you're one lucky person to have two great individuals as your best friends.
I am only doing this because I'm pissed off with someone.
These are the people i grew up listening to. It's for everyone who thought they figured me out. I know alot of you think you really know me, but you really have no idea, because I've heard the, "oh she doesn't listen to this because it's not emo,emocore or metal." excuse several times. So welcome everyone to your very first get to know me music lesson.
There's Erykah Badu. My all time favourite.
The Fugees.
Lauryn Hill.
Sean Paul.
Jay Z and Ja Rule.
DMX.
Wu Tang Clan.
in fact right now i even like John Legend.
Now do you really know the music i listen to?
Last night taught me alot of things.
1) My tardiness has gotten way out of hand.
2) When things go wrong, it's awesome to have an optimist by your side.
3) Kings Of Convenience are fucking amazing.
4) I have the most amazing friends in the entire world.
Last night couldn't have been more perfect. The night started out rough but the optimist saved the day. Kings of Convenience were true musicians and they really knew how to entertain. I loved how they always made sure the audience enjoyed themselves and they always found ways to get the audience to participate. Like how everyone(or at least the people who could whistle) whistled to "Stay out of trouble" and how Erlend got some people to come on stage to dance with him . They played alot of my favourites, from "Misread" to "Toxic Girl" to "Winning a battle, Losing a war" to "Homesick" to "The weight of my words" and a whole load of others. It was just fantastic. When Erlend was Dancing, Hafiz and I couldn't help but think of Napoleon Dynamite. They looked so alike. I enjoyed myself so much that I didn't even know 90mins had passed. I had to ask Hafiz if 90mins really had passed. I was hoping they'd go on, thankfully they did an encore. Fucking awesome.
You know you've had a good night when you wake up with a smile across your face.
I met the two people that mean the world to me after that. Did our usual thing. I love that I can discuss practically everything with Mel and Caleb. I never get sick of their company. I would've enjoyed just sitting there talking the night away, but Dad comes home from New Zealand today. Which is good because I miss my Dad but i'll have to start hogging the telly and he'll start teasing me like crazy. But then again I miss the teasing. Its nice to know that our relationship is no longer a strained one.
Argh, i can't stop thinking about last night! I haven't had that much fun since forever.
Thank you so much happy pill.
I'm a firm believer of living life without any regrets. I've always believed in the notion that things happen for a reason, we'll never understand why certain things occur at that moment. You only realize why they occured years later when you're a whole lot wiser. Like Jon Herrera aka DJ Johnny Verse once said, "Life only makes sense in reverse."
I had the misfortune (ok no i wouldn't say misfortune because i guess it did do me good in the end) of bumping into a certain individual while i was out with my mom today. Why is it the people you swear you'd never want to meet again the rest of your life, are the ones you often bump into? The last time i'd seen him was last semester. I was at Mickey Ds at PS with my groupmates trying to finish our marketing report and he'd happen to pass by. He'd made his presence known by standing near our table, staring at me, only to look away when i glanced at him. I was pretty much in shock, in disbelief. I'd never imagine I'd see him again after two years of successfully not bumping into him. This is the guy that pretty much ruined things for me in secondary school. He'd toyed with my feelings and regardless of the fact that he'd started dating a classmate of mine, I'd pretty much stuck to liking him. I don't recall a single relationship in secondary school which didn't include an argument associated to him. I was mostly a depressed, angsty teenager thanks to this guy.
So i see him again today, and casually mention it to mom who happens to be with me while he passes by several times as he tries to pick which stall he's to buy his food from(we were at the foodcourt). I nonchalantly point him out for mom to see, and she says, "So this is the guy you didn't want to transfer schools for?". BAM. Shock overwhelms me as i remember everything. My parents hated my secondary school, and i pretty much didn't wanna be in it either. Dad was willing to send me off to boarding school or to have me transfered to SAS because he believed I'd have a more well-rounded education there and I'd fit in more socially because I was, as he often reminds me "a spoilt materialistic brat". I'd wanted to go badly but I'd held myself back because of this guy.
So you made a mistake, you still turned out better than expected and you're in a good school now.
You'd probably say that, but that's really just that little voice in my head speaking. Yes i made a mistake. Yes I turned out better than most individuals had expected me to turn out. Yes i'm in a good school now. But its always been a major regret of mine, staying in swiss. I probably would've been happier in SAS or some boarding school. I probably wouldn't have been such a depressed fuck or had suicidal tendencies. I probably would've fit in a little more. I probably would've continued being the "spoilt materialistic brat" I was.( I sometimes feel like I still am.) I probably would've saved myself from all the horrible chinese lessons. I probably would've held on to my identity. I probably wouldn't have lost my roots.
I think the biggest problem right now, is that I've lost all the traits associated to my culture. I'm Filipino. I grew up in the Philippines. I was raised to be a Filipino. Even when I was living in America, I was always reminded that I was a Filipino and that no matter what I'd never fully be an American, but a Filipino American. Its like they teach you never to deny your roots.
I don't think that's even remotely possible here. At the beginning I was still heavily into my roots and I never denied that I was Filipino and I'd often refused to sing the national anthem or do the pledge because I didn't want to and because I wasn't comfortable doing it. I don't know where that part of me went. A friend of mine once said, "Ah you bought into it. You were brainwashed. All those songs about being one people one nation made you feel like you were really a part of the nation." Now as a media student, I'm starting to feel like the media too played a part in me denying my roots. The media sorta created the stereotype for Filipinos. If you're Filipino, you're most likely a maid and you're highly likely to hack someone to death. The teachers too played a part. I still remember what one chinese teacher told me, "aiyah you're chinese! you were just born in the Philippines.", because my excuse for failing chinese was often, "I'm Filipino Chinese Spanish! This is harder for me to grasp unlike everyone else." They never really got the real meaning behind what i said. Its a little easier for a chinese chinese who has mandarin speaking parents and is exposed to the chinese culture to grasp the language faster and better. I live in a house where both parents speak English or Tagalog. Infact my father doesn't speak mandarin well. He grew up speaking Cantonese. None of my relatives are good at mandarin either. And its not because I was trying to deny that I'm partially chinese, I was just telling her it's a little harder for me. So to please that teacher I probably did brainwash myself a little.
As Singapore is mostly a chinese/malay/indian society, I've always felt it's a little harder to hold on to my roots. Most shows on tv that feature an expat married to a singaporean always highlight how the expat tries to learn the asian lifestyle(culture) of their partner. Rarely the other way around.
I can't entirely blame Singapore. The government is just trying it's best to promote a united society. Its really my fault for choosing to stay in the school in the end. I look at most of my friends who did leave for boarding school or transfered to SAS, and all i feel is envy. They're proud to be Filipino. Wherever they go, they never deny that they are. They have filipino traits, they speak tagalog. Even if some of them have american accents now and are less conservative compared to the typical asian, they're undeniably filipino. You'd think that because majority of the student body is caucasian, they'd try the whole white thing. But no, they're still filipino! Even filipino kids who grew up in LA and have never stepped foot in the Philippines are more filipino than me. I'm so digusted with myself really. What the fuck happened to me?
I plan to do something about this. I have to try getting my roots back. Not just the filipino part, I plan to learn more about the chinese culture as well as the spanish culture. Without the pressures of the education system, i have a feeling i'll like learning chinese more now that i can learn it at a more comfortable pace.
So i guess it wasn't really a bad thing that i saw him again today, and its okay that my life took a different route. At least I'm growing up and learning to appreciate things more now.
i just caught Saw Loser's new video on MTV Brand New.
it's really weird watching Tristan on tv. It feels like it was only yesterday that i met him for the first time at Istana Park. He came down to model for my bus ad. We stuck with Felix, Ferina, Kevin and Neek's photos instead. That day was seriously fun. We were walking to Far East for lunch and Neek and Tristan were playing the "car game". Kamil and I couldn't stop playing that game the week after.
Oh and the time i met Tristan at Little India to catch Arpee at POW. The three gay men who kept looking at Tristan. I remember one in particular grabbed one of those handle bars and posed a seductive pose right before alighting.
haha. seriously fun times.
Lesson learnt.
do not let your friends play with your hair.
why?
let me enlighten you on what happened today. we girls were bored so we went to watsons to look around with the intention to buy gummie bears to consume while we watched mean girls on HBO. we pass by the hair colour section and i decided i wanted to re-dye my hair black because the blue-black i'd applied a few months back was starting to look light brown. so stace suggests why not i try another colour for the holidays. i let them pick the colour. frosted brown. so we get home, they start colouring my hair.
time passes..
and the worst thing in the world happens...
my roots are orange! the horror!
wtf am i gonna do. march 16 is next week. next thursday to be exact. i can't possibly dye my hair again in less than a week. the dye will totally kill it. should i even risk it?
arghhh
the holidays have been great so far.
a statement like that can only mean two things.
1) something extremely wrong could happen and ruin things(in other words i'm pessimistic)
2) i haven't been spending the holidays doing anything productive so far.
other than the large amount of money i've spent on buying new guess stuff(because everyone knows i'm a guesswhore), and other "self-improving" items, i've pretty much been doing nothing. i've crossed over to Malaysia, with either the shits or mom, alot the past few days. spending shit loads of money doing things that provide brief euphoria.
but that's all about to change come today. time to take my plan into action.
ps: i don't know if any of you guys have been following the recent "war" on joe's blog(yes i read it, so shoot me! i think his posts are interesting) but i totally agree with what he says. Why do people put mcm on a pedestal? and whatever happened to the freedom of speech?
i was tired and paranoid. so i bailed on what could've been a bonding session of sorts to meet up with jasper. plus i noticed how certain people looked like they were in great discomfort to my presence so it was best that i left anyway. people should wake up and realise i see right through the false pretense.
played pool with jas till the shits called to ask if school's ended. took a cab over to jl's and we caught the rockets suns game. it seriously felt like old times, it's been awhile since i've seen all 9 of them together. el and kc came back, from LA and HK, over christmas but i didn't get a chance to see them and there we all were united again to party with jl one last time before he met his impending doom. NS only sucks because they lock away the people i love.
NBA+pizza+good company=the best fucking night i've had in really long
with all the stress i've faced the past few weeks, last night was a blessing. it's sad to know the older i get, the further away they'll be. with each of them either moving away to LA or HK or London and me stuck here with monkey ears till i graduate, i have but memories to hold on to. from the drug abuse to the drunken episodes, to depression, to overcoming all of that shit to get to where we all are now. i'll miss those idiots really. it's gonna be harder to let go of all 9 of them than anything else, because they're leaving forever. it's like accepting death. and even with the phone calls, the emails and the surprise meet ups, its never gonna be the same.
why's everyone leaving?
i heard someone quit yesterday. kinda sad he did, but i can't blame him for doing it. whatever it is i wish him the best of luck. school's not gonna be the same now that the good looking filipino boy's gone. (inside joke)
its 140am, i just woke up at 7pm because i was over at jl's place till 2pm. now i'm off to his place again. you can just smell the sweet scent of freedom.
i got bored while waiting for jasper to come over. yes, i know its 439am. we're having a marathon valentine's. he'll be here soon but here's a mini photo collage of the things/people that make me happy. it's mostly the people that matter of course. i was gonna put a picture of "the seven year itch" and i in there but i decided against it. it's valentine's day, a clean slate from today onwards.
thank you for tolerating my crazy antics(from drunken episodes to emotional bullshit) you guys have been there for the ride. i know i might not mean much to some of you guys but yeah you guys are the few that are the top of the list. i should've done this for new year's but the fact that it's 2006 has yet to settle into my system. it still feels like the year's just about to end. i think its partially because of school.
i just want it to end soon so i can hang out with Joachim, buy rolls and rolls of film for my holga, party like i've never partyed before and enjoy what's left of my freedom before dad comes home from New Zealand for good.
ah, jasper's here. another collage will be up soon once i compile random pictures of T110. You guys have made first year in mass comm one heck of a crazy ride. i'm gonna miss all the laughs and all our crazy antics. <3 the memories will live.
i wish nothing would change, but change is a part of life.
never underestimate the power of denial.
it was fun while it lasted. i just don't wanna be around the two of you right now.
if you guys wanna practice sem abandonment, then include me into the people you abandon as well. i don't even know how to talk to u guys anymore.
and i'm not the only one who feels left out.
i need time away from certain things/people/whatever's bothering me.
time should be spent with vicjosiefarandlyeurnjldaniefelixjoachim and whoever else i haven't seen or properly spent time with in really long.
ppl that'll appreciate my existance instead of making me feel left out or less like myself.
ppl who'll actually give a dam about things i'm interested in. ppl who'll actually not ditch me. ppl who won't go wishy washy on me.
i miss talking to vickram about everything and laughing at his nonsense. i miss talking to felix till 3 in the morning waiting for him to come home from work. i miss wednesdays with joachim. i miss cuddling with monkey ears and planning a life with him anywhere but here. i miss hanging out with lye urn and farand. i miss long random conversations with josie. i miss bitching sessions with danie.
arghh its ok, 3 weeks to the end of school. i'll get to go to jb with farand and lye urn and shop with danie and club with josie and have random sessions with joachim/vickram, and concerts/lunches with ave and going over to jl's place whenever i want to.
It's 240am.
I just spent the past four hours on the sofa watching City Of God.
There's nothing better than watching movies that make you feel like you're lucky to be alive. even lucky to be living here in sg. i admit i always complain about this place and i've always placed leaving this place as a top priority once i had the moolah to do so.
right now i just feel lucky to be here and to be given the opportunity to study my course of choice, to be living comfortably without having to worry about much. i've definately taken this forgranted. All that studying to get in and here i am not studying hard to stay in.
simple pleasures taken forgranted.
i'm sleepy and i have tons of work i need to start on tomorrow.
note to self: get it all done asap so you can club already.
i am such an idiot for missing friday's party. i miss vickram and josie!
i will never ever be a newscaster ever, and i have a valid reason for it.
scripts suck. i prefer making impromptu speeches.
IS bites.
this one's inspired by caleb.
GoodBye Beautiful Letdown.
this is when you forget everything that hurts and believe that there's a better tomorrow.
this is when you smile because you have friends that urge you to move on.
this is when i scream my lungs out and forget you ever existed.
this is when i give my all to him.
GoodBye Beautiful Disaster.
its Jan 21st today.
Happy Birthday Lam!
it feels like i'm screwing everything up, even though i know i'm doing perfectly well.
been jobless for over a week now, doesn't feel all that bad knowing what i left behind was nothing but horrible memories. the backstabbing, believing that people would see the truth behind the lies and all that bullshit. i really can't be bothered anymore. i'm tired of having to defend the truth when naive individuals can't see past the lies. its easier to give up, then to fight.
and its nice to see that these individuals have turned a friend into someone i no longer recognise. to think farand, linus and i went out to do something for her for her special 19th only have it thrown back at our faces.
i hate it when people give out invitations when they don't really want to. i call it the "uninvitation". its like someone finds out they don't get invited to a party, then they mention it to the someone holding the party. and the someone holding the party says something like, "oh if you wanna come then just come". its like you're inviting that someone even though you don't want him to be there. I totally get why linus is pissed, but seeing how she's changed, i'm not at all shocked that she did that.
all this friendship bullshit isn't really worth it anymore. there are some individuals that are meant to be in your lives for only a short period of time. they teach you a lesson, then they leave. no one stays forever, unless they choose to understand you inside out and accept your differences and decide to work things out with you no matter what. i can only name 6 individuals who would do the above for me and i'm lucky enough to have them by my side.
the only thing i need to focus on is graduating and getting my butt somewhere. i've worked too hard to get to where i am right now only to have it taken away by individuals like them.
i have all the support i need. my family, my friends and him. its probably a good thing the coffee club incident occured, i wouldn't have realized he cared so much. i'm thankful i have him.
now i'm just gonna have to wait and watch someone take him away from me. he says he plans to change the cynic in me. slowly.
good luck happy pill.
i trust too easily.
there are somethings you tell individuals you trust because deep inside you believe they won't show/tell the world.
i pick the wrong individuals i guess.
i absolutely love love spending time with my boys. i could sit there with them the whole day if i had to and the fun would never end.
i'd forget my sorrows and laugh like there was no tomorrow.
and this totally made me smile.
whats the story morning glory says:
i'll do anything to make u happy =)
whats the story morning glory says:
cuz when youre happy
whats the story morning glory says:
i'm happy too
i love you monkey ears.
4 days to the end of a rocky year.
its been fun nonetheless. i'm where i wanna be, i'm doing the things i wanna do. its truly been a kickass year.
2006 will bring new changes, and new challenges and i'm more than ready to conquer them. for now, i'll just sit back and enjoy what's left of 2005.
"josie: the best present i got this year, was you."
<3 i heart you munchkin! here's to another year of friendship.
Merry Christmas everyone!
looney,
i hope you read this at work. what say you we hop on a plane and fly away to a random destination? like we used to, like the best friends we used to be. i promise we won't talk about the break up, or him, or her. it'll just be like old times. i'd totally love watching you run away from that wild pig at gran's place again. haha.
late nights at random hotel rooms with you.
call me bitch!
Love,
Gigi
she cursed and slurred under the influence of alcohol. in the back of her head, she thought of him.
how he'd know when she's had too much.
how he'd know she'd go emo under the influence of alcohol.
she missed him.
she sat there by the pool side, talking to a random stranger over the phone. friends by her side. others oblivious to how she really felt inside.
her random stranger made her happy.
he was her happy pill.
but once the phone was down, her happiness disappeared.
and she thought of him again. neither thoughts of friends nor the random stranger helped.
the beauty in the breakdown.
how apt.
oblivious you are. oblivious you are.
To the boy that got into my head,
go away please.. i don't need distractions right now..
xoxo
the girl that's losing her head
it pisses me off when people talk to me like they know everything about me when in truth they don't know anything at all.
they make snide comments that i tolerate, but there's a limit to everything.
when you make a comment like that, an insulting one at that, you've gone past that limit.
if i make a snide comment and know that its gone over the line, i apologise. you didn't seem to get that.
false pretense.
farand was right afterall. the place does suck.
she sat there in the dimly lit back alley, blowing fruit flavoured smoke into the air. she closed her eyes for a minute as memories flooded her head.
"what's happened to my life?" she thought to herself. she felt alone there, even though her friends were around her.
life felt like a vicious cycle. she'd done all she could to get her life back into order and there she was, back at square one. doing the things she'd vowed never to do again.
she'd screwed everything up. friendships and a wonderful relationship. she wasn't working hard enough in school and there she was, wasting her life away.
she couldn't lie to herself any longer. she knew something needed to be done. she left early and called the one person she realized she didn't wanna lose.
no answer.
she felt worse but tried again. to her surprise, as she keyed the familiar numbers into her cell phone,he calls her. her eyes lit up as she quickly answered his call. it felt good just sitting there, listening to his voice.
she knew this euphoria would be a brief one, but he was all she needed to get through the night. she was disgusted with herself; being overly dependent on a man worked against her principles.
"ah screw that thought" she mumbled to herself.
"aye, want me to come over?" he asks.
she sighed and responded with an "mmhmm"
"orights, i'll make my way over. be there in a few."
she lay in bed waiting for his arrival. it felt like old times, but she knew she was just deceiving herself.
he'd arrived 30 minutes later in a cab, as usual. the boy was still lazy as hell, but that was the last thing on her mind. they sat in bed talking for hours, thinking of options together. he promised they'd go back to the way things were. he promised he'd make sure she cleared her mess.
the cynic in her made it difficult to believe his promises, but she felt lost, like she had no one else to run to. so she made a pact with him, one they vowed to keep secret from the world.
in that moment, nothing else mattered.it was just him and her against the world. she closed her eyes and lay her head on his chest as they slowly drifted off to sleep.
things were gonna get better now.. she knew it would...
some of the stills we took last monday when the boys and i went to Penin to get my holga. i'm in love with that camera and i'm loving the company of my two favourite boys(see second picture).
Work's piling up, but its christmas next week. a well deserved break is calling out to me.
Do i have an accent? Yes says everyone. YES> EVERYONE!
that yes was farand.. its only you who thinks so! har!
k yeah anyway, work's been really fun lately. with the new influx of hot boys, school's fun cuz i have great friends to go through hell with.
it isn't all that bad afterall.
i've been giving myself alot of unwanted pressure as of late. school gets to me. i haven't been myself in ages.
We broke up, and I'm ok with it, but it feels like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. We still talk, but its different. Sometimes i wish we never broke up, sometimes i wish we never even got together. But things happen for a reason i guess.
I've been shopping excessively. Thinking retail therapy will do it for me. Drowning myself in work just doesn't seem to help me anymore. Spent two nights at KAP with Mel and Caleb just so i wouldn't have to go home to an empty room. Everyone else is to busy.
I miss late night convos with Farand. With school work piling up, i highly doubt we'll have on soon. hello bro, do you know i miss REALLY talking to you?
It's not the same anymore isn't it? i could cry at the thought of losing it all.
so emo. must be pms.
grarr excuses.
it's sad when the one person in the world you thought would understand,doesn't.
someone take away my credit card before i go broke from online shopping?
You're like finally 17. one more year to the big 18..! will see you soon.. miss you many many..
This one's for Felix Kong, only because you're my bestie.
Happy Birthday Felix Kong!
i sat there for really long time, listening to the music the band was playing at Substation. i thought real hard, about the things we'd done before. how we'd sat at that very bus stop the first night listening to the bands play while we waited for the bus, how you'd wait for me till 4 in the morning just so you'd take me home, you didn't trust anyone else to take drunk me home.
i thought about everything you'd ever done for me and realized how dumb i was to let it all go to waste. i wondered what i'd seen in him, because the only thing i remember about him today was how much of an asshole he was.
the bus came, i got on and heaved a sigh of relief. the one person i'd never expect to see. Louis Lee with a smile on his face wearing the shoes i'd gotten him a few months back. we talked like we always did. strange how the people you've known the longest always know you the best regardless of how little you see of them. no false pretense. no need to impress.
for a moment there, i'd wish Louis didn't have to alight. i'd wish that talk could go on forever and ever. then i came home to you and in that moment, i chose to forget everything and start anew.
good bye asshole, hello everything i've ever wanted and more.
i couldn't find a better way to express the way i feel, and i know using lyrics to a song to is probably the most cliched way of expressing one's feelings. but fuck, i don't know how else.
A Vacant Affair - How About Enough
You said hi you wanted to talk about
The things that you should know
I never meant to run or hide
I just didn't think it was time for you to know
I'm stuck at the crossroads
I'm waiting to choose
I'm hoping it won't lead back to you
The journey is over our time is up
Just give it up
So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
Before you go I just want you to know
I burned all the things you wrote
I never meant to let this pass
I just didn't think that this happiness will last
Come take a look at these tired eyes
Believe me I cannot even cry
If I could I would
So tell me if I should
So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
This has to go this has to end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
You wouldn't mean a thing to me
You wouldn't mean a thing to me anymore
So where do we go from here or end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
This has to go this has to end
We were never lovers just more than friends
Please take your shirts
Your smiles aren't working, no more
the clouds look as depressed as i do. should i get you to come back because you're the safe option? or should i let these feelings for another overwhelm me? regardless of the fact that i know it'll only be a great disappointment. aren't you tired of waiting for me to make up my mind whenever someone new comes along?
i desperately need time away from things. no matter how much i tell myself that things are perfectly okay, reality catches up with me.
i'm so glad i have you to make this better.
reality check. don't you think its time?
what he is to me, is an addiction. one that i know is extremely bad for me, but can't get enough of. i have to admit, i thought i'd gone cold turkey on this one. but after what happened today, i am dam sure this addiction isn't one i can brush off.
to the one that gets me dizzy from the lovin. brushes me off my feet whenever we meet. horny as hell. predictable because i know you so well. lavishes me with pretty presents. supports me like no other. stays with me while i'm sick in bed.
for all the things we've been through, i'm glad its you.
hari raya was spent dealing with nasty customers. ignorant ones who think they understand my company's system better than my manager does. threatening us using the "i'm gonna send a complaint in" tactic. which is pretty dumb because there they were complaining to the guy who handles all complaints. the OM of coffee club is my manager.
the last thing you wanna do is try to use me as your loop hole. you wanna act all, i'm high and mighty, don't use me as your punching bag. i will talk back, even if it costs me my job. i worked 7 hours straight before you arrived, don't fucking give me that bullshit. you think you're so high class just cuz you can afford coffee club ah? hello i'm only working cuz i want extra cash ok. i can very well sit down beside you and order more that you fucking ordered and afford it without using a fucking VISA.
fucking idiot..
i worry for him. its been awhile since he and i talked. 3 months to be exact. he looks tired, lost. was it all supposed to end up this way?
i remember the late night conversations i didn't mind losing sleep over. even if i had a long day at school, i didn't mind lying in bed talking to him till 4 in the morning only to wake up late the next day and spending large amounts of money on cab fare just so i wouldn't miss lectures/tutorials.
i still can't figure out what went wrong. sometimes i really wish he'd talk to me, even if it's just for a minute, to explain everything. because its hard to really let go just like that. maybe it's just me.
school will keep me occupied. i won't think.
school starts tomorrow but i already have homework. how fucking awesome is that? grrarr..
been talking to mom alot lately about marriage. don't ask why, it just seemed fun to bring the topic up at the beginning. this, of course, was sparked off by a conversation i had with Jaime the other day. we were at the showcase, she saw Sameer, and she thought he was, as she puts it, "HOT". so i asked mom the other day how, she thinks, grandma will react to me having a fiance who isn't chinese.
you have to understand where i'm coming from. when my mom and dad were dating, my paternal grandmother was really mean to her. dad, a fair, filipino chinese and mom, a dark, filipino spanish. the whole skin colour issue. you could say my grandmother is a fucking racist. but the thing is, all filipinos, prefer lighter skinned individuals. you could say its cosmetics industry, like India, is fueled by the woman's need to have lighter skin.
which is why, i just had to ask my mom the big question. frankly speaking, i have a fear of dating chinese boys. i remember Josie and i were talking about it once on msn. biggest worry when dating a chinese boy, his mother moving in with us when we get married. lol. its what nightmares and channel 8 dramas are made of. don't you tell me it'll only happen if i marry someone who's heavily into the chinese culture(i don't know how else to put it), because the lover has a mother just like that and he isn't at all into the chinese culture.
its scary to think my grandmother will put me through hell just because i'm with someone of a different race. even if he's fair, as long as he's not chinese, its bye bye nice grandma, hello grandma who tortures me like crazy. am i really doomed?
don't get me wrong, i have nothing against chinese guys. i had chinese boyfriends before. its just the whole mother moving in thing. urghh..
k i know, i'm thinking to much.
i so want these shoes! no not because lindsay lohan has them. i just think they're really hot and Rico Blanco of Rivermaya had them on tuesday night at the Barnone performance. Another one to add to the list.
I don't even have my paycheck yet and i'm planning shopping trips with Lye Urn just for these kicks and clothes. Its really nice to have friends who know what i like and vice versa. Life's been awesome. My only downfall, the flu.
School starts next week ! Can't wait. I miss everyone in T105(now T110) and i can't wait to see them all. Plus i need my healthy dose of stress.
oh dammit i want those shoes.
first of all, thank you to the kind soul who found my ic(which btw i didn't know was missing till i had to leave to meet Danie) and left my whole pouch with my tongue stud and the rest of my money and the ic in it. god bless you whoever you are!
secondly, thank you very much Juan Chan for giving me the invites. I am officially one fucking happy woman. Getting to see Rico and the rest of Rivermaya live in SG for the first time, is truly, a dream come true.
thank you Dharma for keeping me and Jaime companied throughout the showcase. It was really fun talking to you and getting to know you. And thank you for filling us in on the future of West Grand Boulevard. Once a fan, Always a fan.
i would also like to thank that kind bar tender at Barnone who offered to change my Sex On The Beach into a Cosmopolitan. it was really good btw.
thank you Miss Jaime for being my date for the night, it was so nice to see you again after a month plus. Me leaving for Sabah, you and your work.
thank you Danielle for a wonderful afternoon. we should do this more often babe.
thank you nice taxi driver for driving me home.
thank you nice lady selling Rivermaya cds.
thank you SG for sucking me dry of my money.
thank you mummy for not getting angry about the ic incident and for buying me KFC and leaving me a piece of Oreo cheesecake.
I enjoyed myself like you asked me to Farand! please stop going on trips because Lye Urn and i miss you and we wanna spend time with you! we're like planning your hair cut and shit already. see how much we miss you?
my clothes reek of cigarette smoke. i have work tomorrow. i'm broke.
but, I'M HAPPY. ARE YOU?
yes yes. lomographic cameras rock, which is why i'm getting one. omg omg i can't wait. oh and since its oct 24, 0000 now. Happy Birthday Neek! yesterday was really really fun. headed down to the youth park with Farand. Met Neek at Lido first and it was really nice seeing him again, cuz the last time i saw neek was one week before marcomm presentation. We all went down together, met Josie along the way. the crowd was good, Set For Glory was awesome, West Grand Boulevard was awesome. Saw everyone i've been dying to meet since i came back from Sabah. Felix and his lovely girlfriend Jaime, Josie, Neek, Eve and alot of others. And i finally got to meet Dharma of WGB. i'm gonna meet him at the showcase on Tuesday with my date, Jaime! Can't wait. just can't wait.
i've decided to get myself a holga, and there's no way i'm letting myself spend my money on anything else. my holga will be my first priority.
last night's events had me feeling really down. He was at my place when i came home last night. He wanted to talk, we fought. A crazy mix of emotions. I'm being very vague, i know. I've been trying to brush him off since monday. Who's to know, he actually remembers my address and he comes over and has dinner with my mom while i'm away at work.
Forget about that. Juan made me extremely happy today. Gave me invites for the exclusive Rivermaya/Electrico showcase at Barnone next tuesday. Rivermaya's a filipino band I've admired for years now, and Electrico's well, you guys should already know them. So i get to bring another person along. The only problem is, he/she has to be 18 years old and above. I asked Neek and Louis along but they're both busy. I'd ask Jeremiah, who's a big electrico fan, but he's not 18 yet. So anyone above 18 wanna go? unless of course you have a fake ID? hur..
since Juan was so nice as to give me the invites. Promote x300000000000000000
Everyone go to the nearest record store and grab a copy of RAFE's new EP. you can also check them out at http://www.rafemusic.com/ gogogo!
mkay, i know i know. i don't sound like myself. shut up already. grrarr..
i know i know. i keep moving around. finding the right place to settle down. xvanityxscorex is and will always be just for LJ. so here i am.
its from Atreyu btw.
mkay. have to go get ready for work. will meet Hui Yu for dinner and Farand later tonight. singledoom doesn't seem all that bad when you have kickass friends to spend your days with.
Gig this weekend! be there, because West Grand Boulevard's performing!
